I think my horse and I are in an abusive relationship. I know, crazy talk and insulting to anyone in an actual abusive relationship, but hear me out, alright? In case you haven't gotten the overall feeling from my blog as of late (possibly as of forever), I'm pretty burnt out. Not from work or my life, but from my horse. I spend a significant portion of my free time worrying about paying those bills, if he'll be sound, if he is sound if he'll just fight me the entire time. For almost 6 years. I'll have owned Digby for 6 years in February and I have spent about 90% of that worrying over my not sound horse. Have I had good rides? Absolutely. Do I love him? Of course. When he's good, he's awesome and one of the coolest horses I've ever flatted. When he's bad, he is straight up dangerous. He is. This is not an exaggeration. There is no way around saying that. He knows all of tricks/evasions/kill my rider moves and while I'm pretty damn good (in my opinion) at saying "oh you wanna tell me to go eff myself? Ok, game on then." and putting my foot down. It's exhausting though. I get exhausted just thinking about it sometimes. Is he bad just to be bad? No, probably not. There's usually a reason. I usually figure out the reason after money and trial and error. He goes back to being sound/good/whatever I was aiming at for a bit.
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| 2011 Digby. Exhausted like me. Must nap. |
I read blog posts, go to local shows/events, watch live feeds on USEF, check my horse friends Facebooks and Instagrams. I still generally enjoy horses. Heck, I work at a horse farm and I like my job. There's a TB hony gelding that my friend owns who I adore and actively stalk on social media/day dream about/wish so badly I could own. The desire to actually ride, minus in my day dreams, is gone though. I don't even care. I've always wanted to ride. It should bother me that I don't. When it comes to actually putting on my breeches, I'm like "...... do I have to?" So, what about my mental health? What about my empty bank account for a reason that doesn't even make me all that happy?
This is a problem. I've been reading COTH, all your blog posts of similar nature and chatting with some friends in real life and I've pretty much decided that I need to move on. It feels like quitting on so many levels. It is technically. It makes me consume all sorts of adult beverages. I may or may not cry about it on occasion. It's a constant internal battle of "but he's your horse and he didn't do anything wrong and who else is going to take care of him if not you and you're a total asshole for even thinking about giving him away" to "seriously, this is not healthy, you've lost any and all passion, you only like the horse maybe half the time, he's usually a jerk." It's an every day thought process. I think I need the closure. I need to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship. I want to sit on a horse who I don't expect in the back of my head to be bad. I want to sit on a horse that I can have fun with more than once every few rides. I want to do things, like lesson and go on trail rides and jump all the sweet jumps and show and DO ALL THE THINGS. Make no mistake, I will cry and cry and cry if I find him another home. I will cry and wonder if I did the right thing.
The worst part about this is how many people LOVE my horse. He is adorable. I mean, look at that face! He has enough personality for the entire barn and more. He loves Pop Tarts and makes ridiculous faces for all snacks. He knows tricks, which amuses children of all ages. He's great with kids, although I never fully trust him. He's just a cool horse. I know and love all of these things. My grumpy, grumbling "my horse is a pain" always prompts a "Aww! But he's so cute!" or "he's so cool!" or "I love him!" Yeah. I love him too. But, at what cost?
One day, I'll write a post that isn't "I hate my horse." One day, folks.
I feel for you :( the emotional toll of owning a horse with lameness issues or behaviour issues is a huge challenge - you're dealing with both (which is insane!). I've had both separately, I don't think I'm tough enough to handle both! Horses cost a lot of money and are supposed to be the fun part of your day! If it's not working for you keep working on an exit strategy! I went through a period where Apollo was really hard to catch and my friends at the time were not supportive at all. Eventually I muddled through it (took me 7 hours to catch him!). I think you should keep looking for a companion home, I'll be cheering you on no matter what you decide :)
ReplyDeleteHaha! Thank you :) I don't think I'm tough enough to handle both either, to be honest… Love hearing that you'll cheer for me regardless though. I really appreciate it.
DeleteWe've talked about it in person plenty, and you know I support your choice to move on! Owning Digby is just not right for you anymore, and hasn't been for a long time. You'll re-home him responsibly, be able to take a break, refresh yourself, and get back at it with another horse you can have FUN on. Hugs. It will work out! <3
ReplyDeleteThank youuu. Adult beverages may be needed before, during and after if/when he leaves.
DeleteI've been in your shoes. It's such a hard decision that you'll probably never stop second guessing. But in the end it's what's right for both of you. It's not fair to continue on hating what you love for him or for you.
ReplyDelete:( I'm sorry to hear you've been in my shoes. It's not something I wish on anyone. I'd like to think he'll be happier with someone else in a home where his main job is to live outside and eat.
DeleteI'm in your shoes right now, and it's tough - I totally understand the need to vent/whine/cry/laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I think people mean well when they try to 'fix' it or tell you how great your horse is, but at least for me it gets to a point where it just makes me feel guilty/upset. I think the relationship with our horses is just like personal relationships - things change and what might have been great a few years ago might be toxic now. There's no shame in admitting that and moving on. Somewhere out there is a great situation for you both.
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY AGREE with the guilty/upset part. It kills me a little when people tell me how great Digby is. I feel badly that people seem to love and enjoy my horse more than I do… Fingers crossed for a good situation for both of us.
Deletei'm so sorry - and totally understand how torn and gutted you must feel. one of the reasons i haven't taken the plunge into ownership is worry about finding myself in a similar situation. regardless tho, it's supposed to be fun and your gut feelings aren't lying to you. good luck!
ReplyDeleteHorse ownership is great, can't you tell?! Haha! Jokes aside, it is pretty awesome but it is hard to be in this situation… I wonder if I'll get another horse and I think the answer is "eventually" but probably not any time soon.
DeleteI have been right there. My reason for not even wanting to ride is still hanging out in my back yard munching hay as we speak. After many years of blood, sweat and tears (and great moments too!) I have given permission to myself to give up on her. I am now riding a horse that has me excited about riding again, and I wouldn't change anything, not even all the struggles. Good luck to you! I hope you find a horse that makes riding fun, because it can be!
ReplyDeleteI love that, "given myself permission to give up." It really hits home. Thank you for the good luck. Hopefully Digby can find a good home where he'll be loved and I can find a horse who brings back my enthusiasm!
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