Whine. Whine. Wine.

I've been struggling on how to find words for this post. It's been a long time coming. I really can't find a way without sounding so terribly spoiled with first world problems. I am not looking for someone to pat me on the back and tell me I'm doing the right thing. So..... I apologize in advance for my behavior.

I think my horse and I are in an abusive relationship. I know, crazy talk and insulting to anyone in an actual abusive relationship, but hear me out, alright? In case you haven't gotten the overall feeling from my blog as of late (possibly as of forever), I'm pretty burnt out. Not from work or my life, but from my horse. I spend a significant portion of my free time worrying about paying those bills, if he'll be sound, if he is sound if he'll just fight me the entire time. For almost 6 years. I'll have owned Digby for 6 years in February and I have spent about 90% of that worrying over my not sound horse. Have I had good rides? Absolutely. Do I love him? Of course. When he's good, he's awesome and one of the coolest horses I've ever flatted. When he's bad, he is straight up dangerous. He is. This is not an exaggeration. There is no way around saying that. He knows all of tricks/evasions/kill my rider moves and while I'm pretty damn good (in my opinion) at saying "oh you wanna tell me to go eff myself? Ok, game on then." and putting my foot down. It's exhausting though. I get exhausted just thinking about it sometimes. Is he bad just to be bad? No, probably not. There's usually a reason. I usually figure out the reason after money and trial and error. He goes back to being sound/good/whatever I was aiming at for a bit.

2011 Digby. Exhausted like me. Must nap.

I read blog posts, go to local shows/events, watch live feeds on USEF, check my horse friends Facebooks and Instagrams. I still generally enjoy horses. Heck, I work at a horse farm and I like my job. There's a TB hony gelding that my friend owns who I adore and actively stalk on social media/day dream about/wish so badly I could own. The desire to actually ride, minus in my day dreams, is gone though. I don't even care. I've always wanted to ride. It should bother me that I don't. When it comes to actually putting on my breeches, I'm like "...... do I have to?" So, what about my mental health? What about my empty bank account for a reason that doesn't even make me all that happy?

This is a problem. I've been reading COTH, all your blog posts of similar nature and chatting with some friends in real life and I've pretty much decided that I need to move on. It feels like quitting on so many levels. It is technically. It makes me consume all sorts of adult beverages. I may or may not cry about it on occasion. It's a constant internal battle of "but he's your horse and he didn't do anything wrong and who else is going to take care of him if not you and you're a total asshole for even thinking about giving him away" to "seriously, this is not healthy, you've lost any and all passion, you only like the horse maybe half the time, he's usually a jerk." It's an every day thought process. I think I need the closure. I need to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship. I want to sit on a horse who I don't expect in the back of my head to be bad. I want to sit on a horse that I can have fun with more than once every few rides. I want to do things, like lesson and go on trail rides and jump all the sweet jumps and show and DO ALL THE THINGS. Make no mistake, I will cry and cry and cry if I find him another home. I will cry and wonder if I did the right thing.

The worst part about this is how many people LOVE my horse. He is adorable. I mean, look at that face! He has enough personality for the entire barn and more. He loves Pop Tarts and makes ridiculous faces for all snacks. He knows tricks, which amuses children of all ages. He's great with kids, although I never fully trust him. He's just a cool horse. I know and love all of these things. My grumpy, grumbling "my horse is a pain" always prompts a "Aww! But he's so cute!" or "he's so cool!" or "I love him!" Yeah. I love him too. But, at what cost?

One day, I'll write a post that isn't "I hate my horse." One day, folks.

My figured out has never been more confused, I'm having mixed drinks about feelings and you

"AHHHH! RUNNING!"

So all's been ok in the world of Digby. He's pretty chunky, which I love considering we're coming into winter. He was a holy terror for the farrier this week. I'm not sure what to make of that. Is he feeling better and just being a jerk? Is he in some sort of pain and trying to tell us? Hard to tell. The farrier and I discussed it a bit and he seems to think he's just being a jerk because he feet look great. They really do. Does this mean they're comfortable just because they look good? No. Regardless, he is sound and seems to be doing well. Since he has been an absolute ASSHAT (for real...) for the past few months when riding/lunging, I've been giving him some time off. I discussed his antics in my last real post. I'm still not sure if he's just being a jerk or if there's something more going on.

To be honest, I'm sure the hony doesn't care that he's not being worked. He gets to be a horse without much expectations. Who wouldn't like that? He might just been done being a riding pony. I've looked on Facebook and spoken to horse friends with no luck as to finding Digby a companion home. I've offered even to pay to ship him to his new home and would be willing to keep paying for some expenses. I got a few bites but nothing serious. He's a tricky little guy after all...

The hony and his turnout buddy, Ghost

Wordless Wednesday

I tell ya...

The hony, this evening... He's cute.

The hony has been, um, expressively bad as of late. Both under saddle and the handful of times I've lunged to see if it was me or saddle fit. Sigh. Typically this means he's uncomfortable. That could be saddle fit, in need of a chiro/massage, needs his feet tweaked with, whatever. It occasionally also means he's not getting enough turnout, the weather's been crazy, or his feed is making him hot. So let's go down the list:

• Saddle fit - Yup, could be. He's lost a lot of topline (due to losing TONS of weight last winter, ulcers, no work, lyme and some more no work) and we're building it back now. I'm using a shimmable pad so I'm doing the best I can. Can't afford a saddle fitter at this time for a more professional opinion. Also, he's been bad when I lunge without a saddle so while I think the saddle fit isn't the best, it's probably not the only problem.
• In need of a chiro/massage - Yup, could be. One of the lovely ladies at Digby's barn actually took a look at him tonight. She does some "energy work" but it was free and I figured no harm, no foul. It was fairly interesting when I convinced my science based self to be open minded. I'm going to see how he goes tomorrow.
• Needs his feet tweaked - I mean, maybe? Probably not? His feet have looked the best they've looked since I've been back in PA. Does this mean it's working for him? No, but they look awful good. I'll chat with my farrier the next time he's out.
• Turnout - Seriously doubt it. They go out for 7-8 hours a day. In the area I live, that's a lot of turnout.
• Weather - Ehhh. It's fall and I get it. It's cooler, they're feeling better. His bad isn't "whoo it's cool! I'm feeling good!" though. It's more "I don't want to so SCREW YOU LADY."
• Feed - Seriously doubt it. He gets almost unlimited grass hay plus about 6 lbs of Tribute Maturity which isn't particularly high in sugar/starches. In an ideal world, I'd keep him on TC Senior but that's not included in my horses board and again, money.

Not a whole lot else to say about that topic. I've done a lot of thinking, not a whole lot of whining, and too much adulting.

I'm trying to not think of the doom (AHH MY HORSE IS GOING TO GO LAME AND I'LL BE STUCK WITH HIM FOREVERRRR AND FOREVER BE BROKE OVER A HORSE I CAN'T RIDE AND IT'S GOING TO SUCK) and just continue on with my life. Full disclosure: I have asked around a bit lately to see if anyone wants a companion horse. It's not 100% what I want but.... Ya know. Digby and I do this shit. Every. Single. Year. Every damn year. Usually more than once a year. He tells me not so nicely that I can fluff off. I tell him not so nicely that I do everything I can to make sure he's comfortable and happy and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HORSE WILL YOU JUST BEHAVE?!? So then I fuss and worry and sometimes we come to an agreement and sometimes I get so frustrated that I give him some time off and he comes back fine at a later point. I'm not sure what to do about it now or in the future. Maybe he's made to be a pasture puff. Maybe I just need to learn how to ride. Hahahah.

Being an adult sucks.

New vet

You may recall here where I lamented that I needed to find a new vet because my current one has deemed my new barn was too far away. Boo because I love my current vet! Anyway, the barn I'm at uses two vets mostly. One, who we will call Dr S, will never touch my horse with a ten foot pole. I've had too many friends/friends of friends use Dr S's services with bad results. "Bad results" could be a severe reaction to a vaccine to total misdiagnosis of an illness with drastic consequences. Either way, I'm not a fan. The other vet the barn uses we will call Dr D. This seemed like a better option and I've heard some good things about the practice. I called and got Digby set up for fall shots.

Old photooooo, always old photos!

I am actually quite pleased! I was kind of grumpy about the whole thing because, well, they aren't my old vet and I wish I didn't need a new one and blah blah whine whine. The vet that came out isn't the main vet but she was nice, knowledgeable and genuinely interested in Digby and I. Digby is pretty interesting given his history (you know, chronic colic, ulcers, blind in one eye, has been treated for lyme, has a navicular bone in two pieces, way too much chronic lameness...) but I love getting new opinions on his issues. She had a few suggestions. At one point she said, "if you want, you can ride more than you do. There are several options that won't break the bank to help with his issues that you haven't tried yet. Go ride."

WHEE! Love hearing that! I tried to keep my excitement under control since, those options may not work but that would be awesome. I miss having goals and riding my horse regularly!

In other news, Digby and I switched farriers in May when I moved to the new barn. He shoes some of the racehorses that my full time job farm owns. I was always impressed with him and decided to just give him a shot on my own personal (not racehorse) horse. I'm pleased to say that Digby's feet look the best since he's been back in PA. His heels are better than they were and his angles are finally even. Way to go Digby.

My favorite month!

Ah yes, life has settled down a bit for me. October is my favorite month so this is perfect timing. :) Since the horses are back on day turnout and I work 7-4 at my full time job, I'm not helping turnout at Digby's barn. I'm also not pet sitting at the moment. I went from working legitimately every hour of the day, minus my hour lunch break, to having almost every night off. It's a magical thing. I've been wildly productive since I'm not used to having down time.

Old Digby photo, maybe 2012?

It's been great to get some stuff done! I've been trying to ride more and I've been catching up on some of my blog reading. I've got some posts to write about, well, what's been happening, some stuff I've bought lately (and not so lately), and how the rides have been going. Stay tuned, Digby lovers! News is on the way!

Picking your battles.

Yes, I'm alive. I currently work 48 hours at my full time job, help turnout horses 6 days a week at Digby's barn and pick up pet sitting jobs occasionally. I eat, sleep and work. Oh and there's been some beer drinking and TV watching cause football is back! Whoo!

One of the yearlings I groom. Doesn't actually stand this close up front hahhaha!

Yearling season is in full swing. This means I'm personally prepping 6 yearlings for the sale in November. We have almost 30 in total but I'm only in charge of 6. I have 3 fillies and 3 colts this year. We get the yearlings in at the middle or end of August and they are basically never worked with before. They can't lead and definitely can't be groomed. We've really only messed with them to give them shots, dewormer and get their feet done. This does not mean they can pick up their feet though. They definitely can't.

Not my yearling but she's a witch. I promise, she only looks sweet.

I've been avoiding being kicked, run over, struck, stepped on, otherwise injured and I'm trying to break my yearlings. So far I've been successful! I try to take it day by day with the horses, especially the fillies. The females, I'm sure no one will be surprised, are a bit more sensitive and moody. Even as yearlings, they can come into heat. Even if they aren't in heat, they can be a bit touch and go. Anyway, I was working with one of my colts the other day and for whatever reason, he was all kinds of wound up. He was spooky coming out of his stall, didn't want to walk into the grooming stall, fussed on the cross ties. The yearlings have been in for several weeks so they're pretty good about most of the things I ask of them. I get to focus on really GROOMING now instead of trying to make things simple and make sure the yearlings are calm and understand what I'm asking. He was fussing and just being kind of a dick. I was a bit flustered. It was SO hot out, I was frustrated, it was my last horse and I was pretty mentally done. I very much wanted to yell at him. I needed to pick his feet and he was convinced I had never brushed his legs and definitely never cleaned his face and how dare I ask him stand still on the cross ties because I've never asked him to do that before! I took a step back and realized, you should really pick your battles here. He's obviously having a rough day so don't even try to pick his feet. It would just start a fight and you're tired, he's tired, it wouldn't be worth it. I decided I'd work on brushing, to hell with feet picking. To hell with standing stock still on the cross ties.

"Should I get up? I'm not sure. What do I do?! OMG"

So I didn't pick his feet. I settled on standing sort of still on the cross ties and that his legs were brushed. The next day he was much better. He stood still. I brushed him all over. He picked up all 4 feet, zero drama. Success. I could of refused to leave until he had done everything I asked. I really could of. I'm glad I didn't. This really applies to life, on a whole. I've been thinking a lot lately and realized that it's just not possible to win every battle. Make sure the ones you pick are worth fighting.