I think my horse and I are in an abusive relationship. I know, crazy talk and insulting to anyone in an actual abusive relationship, but hear me out, alright? In case you haven't gotten the overall feeling from my blog as of late (possibly as of forever), I'm pretty burnt out. Not from work or my life, but from my horse. I spend a significant portion of my free time worrying about paying those bills, if he'll be sound, if he is sound if he'll just fight me the entire time. For almost 6 years. I'll have owned Digby for 6 years in February and I have spent about 90% of that worrying over my not sound horse. Have I had good rides? Absolutely. Do I love him? Of course. When he's good, he's awesome and one of the coolest horses I've ever flatted. When he's bad, he is straight up dangerous. He is. This is not an exaggeration. There is no way around saying that. He knows all of tricks/evasions/kill my rider moves and while I'm pretty damn good (in my opinion) at saying "oh you wanna tell me to go eff myself? Ok, game on then." and putting my foot down. It's exhausting though. I get exhausted just thinking about it sometimes. Is he bad just to be bad? No, probably not. There's usually a reason. I usually figure out the reason after money and trial and error. He goes back to being sound/good/whatever I was aiming at for a bit.
|2011 Digby. Exhausted like me. Must nap.|
I read blog posts, go to local shows/events, watch live feeds on USEF, check my horse friends Facebooks and Instagrams. I still generally enjoy horses. Heck, I work at a horse farm and I like my job. There's a TB hony gelding that my friend owns who I adore and actively stalk on social media/day dream about/wish so badly I could own. The desire to actually ride, minus in my day dreams, is gone though. I don't even care. I've always wanted to ride. It should bother me that I don't. When it comes to actually putting on my breeches, I'm like "...... do I have to?" So, what about my mental health? What about my empty bank account for a reason that doesn't even make me all that happy?
This is a problem. I've been reading COTH, all your blog posts of similar nature and chatting with some friends in real life and I've pretty much decided that I need to move on. It feels like quitting on so many levels. It is technically. It makes me consume all sorts of adult beverages. I may or may not cry about it on occasion. It's a constant internal battle of "but he's your horse and he didn't do anything wrong and who else is going to take care of him if not you and you're a total asshole for even thinking about giving him away" to "seriously, this is not healthy, you've lost any and all passion, you only like the horse maybe half the time, he's usually a jerk." It's an every day thought process. I think I need the closure. I need to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship. I want to sit on a horse who I don't expect in the back of my head to be bad. I want to sit on a horse that I can have fun with more than once every few rides. I want to do things, like lesson and go on trail rides and jump all the sweet jumps and show and DO ALL THE THINGS. Make no mistake, I will cry and cry and cry if I find him another home. I will cry and wonder if I did the right thing.
The worst part about this is how many people LOVE my horse. He is adorable. I mean, look at that face! He has enough personality for the entire barn and more. He loves Pop Tarts and makes ridiculous faces for all snacks. He knows tricks, which amuses children of all ages. He's great with kids, although I never fully trust him. He's just a cool horse. I know and love all of these things. My grumpy, grumbling "my horse is a pain" always prompts a "Aww! But he's so cute!" or "he's so cool!" or "I love him!" Yeah. I love him too. But, at what cost?
One day, I'll write a post that isn't "I hate my horse." One day, folks.